What has six legs, is reemerging after being remoted for eons in its personal anal fluids, and simply needs to bone all summer season lengthy? You, you vaccinated horndog, shedding your grubby sweatsuit exoskeleton and so desperate to scurry about for intercourse, brunch, and spiked seltzers that you just’ve virtually sprouted further limbs.
OK, the anatomically right reply is me, a Brood X cicada. Me me me me meee—you’ll hear me singing that every one summer season lengthy as I attempt to stick my adaegus into each spermatheca hanging out on the maple tree trunk, when you catch my drift. After 17 years within the dust, and a psychedelic fungus that’s taken the decrease half of my physique and likewise one way or the other supernovaed my intercourse drive, I’m up for a boinking or a number of hundred. However I see you, inoculated human, need to be me: posting your thirst traps, flexing your pecs, and flocking to courting apps so aggressively that some public well being researchers are predicting a monsoon of STIs within the post-vax Summer season of Love.
Let’s get one factor straight: Simply because I’m additionally sexy doesn’t imply I’m your hero. I respect the eye after so a few years underground—I really feel like Matthew Perry should’ve felt stepping again onto the Buddies set for the primary time since 2004—however I’m not the spirit animal of the overstimulated, the patronus of White Boy Summer season. I’d sooner have you ever steam me into your cauliflower soup or puree me into your guacamole than be your mascot to your post-pandemic pound city parade. You and me, pal, we’re totally different.
I do know what you’re pondering: Why would I take recommendation from a cicada? In spite of everything, I haven’t been round since Omarosa misplaced on The Apprentice and Usher’s “Burn” was the music of the summer season. And after spending 15 months taking notes from Fauci, your governor, and your mother, you might really feel like the very last thing you want proper now could be to be lectured by an insect. However that is precisely what you want, you titillated, wingless goon. The analogizing stops right here.
For one, you’re on the prime of the meals chain, whereas I can solely slurp plant juices. Even severe scientists are likening cicadas to “all-you-can-eat tree shrimp.” You’re on Kimmel cracking jokes about how cicadas make an incredible pork substitute, whereas I’ve acquired to get busy porking who I can, after I can, earlier than I get eaten by a squirrel, robin, canine, otherwise you.
Regardless of your sudden fascination, we’ve been doing this with out concern for 40 million years. You individuals, alternatively, have been making an attempt out this summer season intercourse fest factor for about 4 minutes, and it’s already a hell of quite a bit weirder than cicada intercourse. Right here’s how the magic occurs for us: The males—tymbals out for the boyz!—squeeze their jacked abs collectively so tight that they screech louder than a Hoobastank live performance. That is our one and solely pick-up line, which barely enjoys middling success. If the females don’t flick us off with their wings in disgust, we go at it for over an hour, barely transferring. Typically a raccoon will devour us mid-shtup, and if not we die just about instantly post-shtup. (For a steamy seaside learn, try ecologist John Cooley’s 347-page overview of how we boff.) In the meantime, your mating rituals include swiping your oily paws at images in your large telephones, after which asking the individuals in these images which pharmaceutical firm’s vaccine they acquired—as a pickup line! How romantic.
I hope I’m not coming off as a sexual stick within the mud—which is, come to consider it, a unbelievable place for cicadas to do it. You gained’t catch me denying love is love as I stomp on my mate’s eyeballs with all six of my ticklers whereas a white plug of spores the place my ass was once eats me alive. However what you’re on about for this post-vax summer season isn’t love. It’s lust on par with a fungal-induced psychosis.